How to Survive an Affair and Forgive a Cheating Spouse
Hey there! This is Alex Haight and I just wanted to share some incredible information that my friend Mika Maddela put together who runs a relationship advice blog called the Path to Passion that helps people with relationship problems.
She was kind enough to write this amazing guide to helping you learn how to survive an affair and forgive a cheating spouse for my readers. So, without further delay, here’s Mika…
[Note: the following is simply a transcript of the above video for people who would rather read this than watch a video]
Hello, My name is Mika Maddela.
I’m sorry that you’re going through the pain of an affair in your marriage or relationship right now. I know only too well how difficult it can be to feel the betrayed by your partner.
But right now you can’t feel sorry for yourself if you ever want to…
…Heal your marriage and save your relationship.
I understand that things are tough right now. Maybe you’re uncertain about the future of your marriage, you can’t stop the haunting images that seem to take root in your mind, or you feel like your partner just won’t give you all the details you want.
If you don’t want to go through all the pain and complication of a divorce, or you still believe in your marriage vows and you want to discover how you can move past this incredibly difficult emotional time in your life and save your marriage, keep reading.
3 Big Steps to Survive an Affair
You and your partner came together and started your marriage with the very best intentions. Although things may seem difficult right now, you should know that there are really only 3 steps to overcoming an affair.
Now, I understand that you and your partner are completely unique, and it’s easy to think that what happened is different that conventional advice simply doesn’t apply.
However, I’d like you to at least consider these 3 steps moving forward while you are working on overcoming the pain of the affair.
This process has helped thousands of couples move past infidelity and learn to make their marriage better than it was before.
There’s a very good chance that this can help you too.
Let’s jump right in:
One – Individual Healing
First thing’s first, you have to process all the emotions you are going through if you want to be able to let go of them and heal from the pain of betrayal.
A lot of people will try to bottle up their feelings and resist them. This only allows them to fester and eventually turn into resentment, which will almost certainly destroy your relationship.
I know it can be difficult to end the emotional suffering you’re going through, but it can really help to:
- Talk to a close friend about how you feel
- Exercise to work out the feelings of frustration
- Make time for yourself to evaluate your life
Doing things like this will allow you to have a safe outlet for how you’re feeling. You can allow yourself to cry or feel anger or any other emotion you experience to the point that you can let go of that feeling.
While you’re doing this, you can use affirmations to help reverse the negative feelings that can seemingly overpower you.
Every time you find yourself questioning your own self-worth or whether or not you deserved this, take the time to remind yourself that you deserve to be happy and feel loved.
Your partner made a very bad choice, and no matter what happens, you must remember that it says more about them than about you.
How Can You Stop Reliving Those Horrible Thoughts?
Maybe you are struggling most with those thoughts that just take over your whole mind and never stop.
That unending stream of images of your partner making love to another person.
No matter how often you try to focus on something else, your thoughts drift back to this and you just can’t seem to break free.
Sometimes it can even make it nearly impossible to make it through a day at work or do anything productive at all.
Here’s something you might want to do to help you:
Recognize that the images are not real. Even if your spouse told you all the details, know that your imagination is filling in a lot and probably distorting things to make them seem worse.
Realize that your mind is your own and that the thoughts you have can be controlled by your own free will. You don’t have to focus on anything unless you choose to.
All bad feelings come from focusing on what you do not want.
And I do mean all bad feelings.
Anytime you find yourself thinking about all the things that may have happened during your spouse’s affair, realize that you are focusing on what you don’t want.
Then take the time, to refocus your mind on what you do want.
For example, wouldn’t you feel better if you thought back to the time when you and your spouse first started dating? Everything seemed so fresh and new back then. Do you remember that feeling of falling in love? That warm and happy feeling seemed to just fill you up and spill over into every area of your life. Didn’t everything just seem better back then?
You can start to feel better anytime you want to by changing your focus from what you do not want to what you do want.
Stay focused on rebuilding your marriage and making it even better than it was before.
Two – Healing Together
If you and your partner are going to survive this affair together, you both must be on board and committed to saving your relationship.
You both must also work together to understanding why the affair happened in the first place.
Most affairs happen because at least one person is not getting their emotional needs fully met. Often times they may not even consciously know what these needs are.
For example, if your husband didn’t feel respected in your marriage, he may feel an unexplainable feeling of attraction toward a coworker who fills this need and makes him feel respected.
He probably didn’t have any intention of having an affair to begin with. It probably all started as a “harmless crush” and built into a friendship.
But things can quickly get out of hand. A crush can snowball into an infatuation and an emotional affair.
Then once flirting starts it can be difficult to avoid the temptation to cross over into a physical affair.
This isn’t an excuse for the cheater’s behavior or blaming you for your partner’s actions. They still made a very bad choice (that is 100% their fault).
This is just an explanation of how problems in the marriage can lead to infidelity.
In this second step, you’ll need to spend a lot of time together with your partner having an open and honest conversation about what happened.
Really understand what led up to the affair and decide together that the two of you are going to work at saving your relationship and moving forward as a couple.
Three – Rebuilding Your Relationship
Once you’re both committed to working through this, you’ll have to start rebuilding the trust in your marriage.
Trust is easy to break, but it takes time and devotion to build it.
The best way to rebuild trust is with transparency.
Affairs are the result of veiled actions and unspoken suspicions. Transparency is the best way to turn the tides and learn how to trust each other again.
How does transparency work?
Simply all you need to do is openly state what you are doing and what you would like.
This may seem simple, but this is how you can restore the lost trust in your relationship.
Transparency might involve calling ahead to let your partner know that you’re going to be late coming home because you need to run some errands.
Or it might be telling your spouse that you are going to catch up with some friends over a drink or two at happy hour.
This lets the other partner know what is, which is important so that they don’t begin to suspect that more infidelity.
Plus, over time, this will show that you follow through with what you say you’re doing and that they can trust what you say.
Again this will take time and effort, but the trust will come back. It will start with small things, but with commitment to improving your communication, the trust will grow to encompass larger and larger things until your relationship has a much sturdier foundation.
What If I Made All the Mistakes?
Well, maybe you’re thinking, “Mika, I’ve already been struggling with this for a while now and I’ve made tons of mistakes along the way.”
I just want to let you know that this doesn’t mean that hope is lost.
All you need to do is follow this three step plan from here onward.
It’s never too late to start and begin nurturing the love back into your marriage.
What to Do From Here?
At this point, a lot of people will feel overwhelmed or uncertain about what to do from here.
You’re going through a lot right now, and I’ve just shared a lot of information with you.
If you’d like a great program to help you solidify all of this information and help you apply it directly into your marriage to heal the pain of infidelity, simply click the link below and you’ll be taken to a special page that will teach you more.
I know that it can be difficult to deal with a cheating partner, but you really don’t have to do this alone.